An Idiot Gets a Job (# 389)
An unemployed idiot saw a Help Wanted sign outside a large convention center. He went in and applied for the job.
“We have a major business convention tomorrow – some of the most important executives in the world will be coming! I need someone who will take care of security, check the invitations, give directions, etc. You will stand at the front door. Can you do it?” said the manager.
“Oh, yes sir!” said the excited idiot.
The following night the manager gave final instructions.
"This is a job description and a list of your duties! You need to be paying attention! I need your full cooperation! You have to do this job correctly! I have put these directions on this paper!” he said, handing it to the idiot. “Remember! The guests remain on the convention floor! ON THE FLOOR! We don't want them wandering around the rest of the building! The rest of the center is being used! And keep things clean! Be careful! And you are security! So keep order! Do what you have to to KEEP ORDER!”
“Yes, sir!” said the idiot enthusiastically.
An hour later, the convention was going well and the manager was greeting the executives. Then he heard something strange. He went outside and his mouth dropped open in shock.
There he saw a very distinguished middle-aged gentleman, an impeccably dressed and dignified business executive in a $3,000 navy blue pinstriped business suit, carefully knotted red silk tie and matching pocket square, starched white shirt, hundred dollar haircut and silver cufflinks.
However, the corporate executive was barefoot! In addition, he was down on all fours and cleaning the floor with a scrub brush on his hands and knees!
The idiot, now the security guard and greeter, was yelling orders. In one hand he held a pair of highly polished Italian leather loafers. In the other he held a pair of black silk business socks.
"Please! This is a Savile Row suit! It's getting wet!" begged the executive. "And when can I put my shoes and socks back on?"
“No questions, and get to work! You'll get your fancy shoes back when I tell you and not before!” snapped the idiot, and slapped the soles of the executive’s bare feet. The executive shuddered and kept scrubbing, carefully keeping his tie out of the water.
The manager ran over to the businessman and helped him up. The executive’s face was beet red with anger and humiliation.
“You will be sued! This is an outrage! He pushed me down and pulled these right off my feet! Give me those! He told me to start scrubbing or he would use his gun!” yelled the executive, and he grabbed his shiny expensive shoes and socks from the idiot.
“What are you doing?!" shouted the manager to the idiot, in shock. "How dare you?!"
"But I'm just following directions, sir! You said, 'Keep things clean! Keep order!'"
The manager pulled at his hair with both hands. "You don't even have a gun!"
The idiot grinned. "Yeah, but it sure scares them when I say I do!"
The manager screamed, "He is one of the leading financiers in the country! He was barefoot on all fours in his Savile Row suit!"
The idiot said, "But it says right here, 'Keep guests on the floor at all times! No exceptions!'"
The manager groaned. "But what about his shoes? Why did you take them away from him? Are you crazy? " Are you INSANE!?"
"Oh, no, sir! I'm an idiot!!" said the idiot proudly.
The manager tried to calm down.
"But why did you force him to take off his shoes and socks? Why? Why?!"
The idiot pointed at his job description. "Work hard! Absolutely no loafers will be tolerated!'"
Then the stunned manager saw another pair of polished executive loafers on the floor - but no one was wearing them.
"Don't tell me... Someone else?!" sputtered the manager.
The idiot cheerfully pointed up.
A few feet above was another very well-dressed business executive in another expensive suit and tie.
He was tied to a ceiling lamp fixture, which had been hooked up under the jacket of his Brooks Brothers pinstriped suit and attached to his suspenders. His bare toes dangled just above their heads. His face was furious with rage and embarrassment, but he couldn't speak because his silk socks were in his mouth. He was struggling furiously.
The manager was now in such shock he couldn't speak. He just pointed.
The idiot grinned and slapped the bare feet of the businessman, who spun around and flailed helplessly.
"This one put up a big fight, and wouldn't take his shoes off! So I finally had to do it myself and then stuff his socks in his mouth. It says right here, "'Maintain a quiet and orderly atmosphere!'"
"But why... why did you put him up there?" the manager forced out in a whisper.
"Sir, it says right here! 'Anyone who makes trouble will be immediately suspended!'"
JP, Chicago, IL
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