Stressed out today? (# 230)
Subject: Stressed out today?
Modern medicine has come up with some
great new stuff to make life easier:
St. Mom's Wort
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering
preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy
by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low
I.Q., causing enjoyment of country western music.
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective
in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing
money spent on make-up.
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance
to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better
... can we get naked now?"
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases
potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate
buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home
with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember
your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone
too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than
Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time
and trouble of doing it herself.
A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify
who to cross off the dating pool.
Coming to a doctor's office near you:
Botox Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Crones
JN, San Diego, CA
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